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1500 days

It has been 1,500 days since she left. I’m not really one for counting the days. I just know she’s been gone for four years. Come to really think of it, that’s quite a long time and with all the hell and things and stuff that has gone through in my brain, I’m not so sure how I got out of it with my head still more or less straight. I’m not even sure if I ever got out of it. One never knows with these things. But then I’m writing this stuff down so I guess things are still moving as the universe intended it to be.

Sometimes you feel you’re just a passenger going somewhere you don’t know.

I dreamt of her a few days ago. I do not remember most of it now but I do remember feeling so delightfully surprised upon seeing her and it seemed that that was her plan all along and she was laughing out loud because the surprise worked. And then we gave each other a lengthy I-missed-you-so-much kind of hug. It felt so real like I wasn’t dreaming at all. But I knew I was dreaming and I also knew I didn’t want to wake up … yet. But I eventually did wake but I still thought it was a good dream.

So, for those who care to know, I am fine. I feel better than the week before. I look old, time-wearied, assuredly tired and broken in a few  corners and places. But generally, I’m fine. The world turns and since I am still alive there are responsibilities to take care of. There is still walls and spirits to mend.

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Lit

Lit

A small window plant lit up by a passing light.

A lot of things and ideas come out at night.

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Cameras I’ve used

That is what I like about taking photos — to capture a moment or series of moments so I can remember the faces and the places I have been at a point in time.

taking photos with a CanonI started with a borrowed Kodak instamatic film camera when I was in grade school. I even tried developing my own film roll using an empty but minuscule storage cabinet as a dark room. Of course, naive that I am, that exercise was a failure. In high school I eventually moved on to a borrowed SLR — an Canon AE-1 Program — which I fell in love with. When I started working I used another borrowed SLR — a Pentax (I forget the model) — which I used to experiment with black & white film.

I eventually bought my own SLR film camera — a Canon EOS88. It was nothing fancy. I wanted to start recording memories of a newborn as he grows up.  Years later I eventually got myself a DSLR for a birthday — an EOS 100D — the camera pictured here.  The kit lens was replaced by a prime and I was quite satisfied with the results.

Without me being conscious of it, just taking photos transformed into a hobby.

The film camera is still working fine but it’s due for bit of cleaning. Instead of the kit lens it is now fitted with one of Canon’s low end prime lenses — a 50mm f1.8, It is very good glass inside a plastic body and mount. I still use it every now and then whenever I forget to be lazy or when there is an itch to use film.

Between the two cameras, I have recorded more than 25,000 slices of moments and I would probably take twice more given enough time and opportunity.

 

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through the window

window

it was a cold morning when you left. i remember because it was raining really hard the night before. there were no goodbyes but just a gentle brush of your hand against mine. the last touch. that was ages ago. the room had become darker as the days passed but each day i still wait for you to come back. sometimes i would sit by the window and look for your face among the multitudes that pass by and i would just close the panes after the sun has set.

but now i grow tired of sitting and looking out the window. the faces have become blurs in time. the room has gone much darker and i tire.

i feel myself starting to leave.

This photo was taken in the late 90s, the words were written sometime in early August 2015, and I put them together and posted it on Instagram in the latter part of August of the same year.

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portraits

portraits

This photo was the one that got me started with portrait photography.

This was taken when Cherry and I were just starting to go out. It feels like it happened just a year ago.  Time is biased. It goes so quickly during the happy  times and walks all too slowly during the not so good times. As of late, time seems to just linger about as if waiting for something to happen.

The photo was taken with a borrowed Pentax film camera loaded with a Kodak black and white film. ISO 400, if I remember correctly.