its been almost 10 months since i got out of the hospital. i’ve followed the doctors instructions, sometimes to a fault. i do not smoke anymore. i’ve gone through physical and occupational therapies. i’ve religously continued my exercises on my own and i have felt the improvements flow and then creep in. i have tried riding the bike a couple of times within the shaded confines of the empty first floor of the house just to get the feel of the bike and how it feels to be on it again. the first floor has become my safety net where i can make mistakes and crash without hurting or embarrassing myself too much. i think and i feel that i can ride out there again beyond the walls of my safe zone. i think i’m ready.
a couple of days ago i took my bike out from storage to clean it. i made a few adjustments and lowered the seat a bit to make dismounting a little easier. early this morning i pumped up the tires. and then i got too lazy to get dressed. and i wasn’t able to ride. i hit my head onto a virtual blue plank of wood. stupid. idiot. stupid. what am i scared of? am i scared of crashing and making a fool of myself in front of strangers who doesn’t even know me from juan? am i afraid of the eventual scrapes and bruises i’ll get if i fall? or am i just paranoid that some universally stupid driver sent from hell will run me over? or that i will have an attack in the middle of a ride?
i know i’m not fully recovered and i may not get to be 100% the way i was before the strokes but that’s always something to strive for, as my girlfriend always says.
and now my bike — kikay — is just standing there at one corner of the dining room looking all shiny, sad and abandoned. sigh. this can’t happen. 20 years from now i know i’ll be banging my head on a real wooden plank, regretting not taking that risk and do that first real ride. i’m not really afraid of the scrapes and bruises (although the scrapes really sting) and i know i’m sensible enough to stay clear of any devil drivers. i don’t really care if i embarrass myself in front of total strangers in the unfortunate event that i fall from the bike. and i know my angel will be there to guide me.
so this weekend i will take a ride — barring unforseen acts of god.